This one time, at Hogwarts
by Crazy-MoFos
Summary: What do you get when you mix magic 'shrooms, a little bit of sex, a dash of twincest (just to - BAM! - kick it up a notch), and a few donkeys? One fked up story. This story. Written by two people, both of whom are completely messed up in the head. We did
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter. Just the sick shit we put these characters through are our own creations. (Where did our parents go wrong?)  
  
If we offend anyone, just let it be heard...we dont give a bloody damn. This is humor, it is not meant for the faint at heart. This is all in good fun. We are both huge fans of Harry Potter.  
  
The inspiration came about for this story from a "natural" high and after reading some stories in this fandom, we felt compelled to bring our own sense and flair on this world.  
  
Warning: There's curses (not the magical kind), drug usage, sex, TWINCEST, and rock and roll. It just fit, alright?  
  
Dedication: To Stefanopolis for laughing at our stupidity, to Goober (a co-writer on this wonderful piece of art) for being so kick ass, and to me (Oober Goober) because I'm just that damn good. And to Danielle for our inspiration for the phrases of Harry and Ron taking a magical journey through Hogwarts.  
  
P.S. - Read in a british accent, it's more fun that way. (Especially if you have a really sucky one!)  
  
On with the show....*curtains rise* (applaud here)  
  
Chapter 1: Yo, Man!  
  
It was a clear, dark, night out. The stars were shining magnificantly above the Hogwart's Lake. The time was well past curfew, as no one was outside but two boys underneath a tree by the lake. These two upstanding young gentleman were none other than Harry Potter and Ronald Weasly. The duo were reclined against the tree, with the invisibility cloak by their side.  
  
"Yo, man! This is some good shit." Ron spoke hazily as he took another puff of the rolled up parchment paper in his hand.  
  
"Hand it over!" Harry demanded. Ron passed the blunt over to his friend. Harry takes a long drag, holds it in for a few seconds, then coughs it out.  
  
"Man, that was weak!" He chastised. Ron proceeded to laugh hysterically at Harry. He gets offended and punches his red-haired friend in the arm. "What the bloody hell was that for?"  
  
"Sod off, you wanker! If you're so good, take another drag and hold it in longer!" He proposes. Ron snatches the half-burnt blunt away from Harry happily. He takes an extremely long drag and passes out. "Yo, man! Ron? What the fuck, dude! You okay?" Harry searches around for a stick and when he happens upon his wand in a pocket, he takes it out and starts poking his unconcious friend in the ass. Harry, at the moment not entirely sober, realizes the hilarity of the situation and starts cracking up. With each jab he notices his friend's ass jiggling underneath his robe, and can barely hold his bladder. "It looks like jell-o!" He proclaims.   
  
Ron starts to come-to and switches from his postion of being spread-eagled face down on the ground to indian-style back against the tree. "Yo, man! That was one wicked trip! I felt like I was flying, but I didn't need a broom!"  
  
Harry, remembering his comment about Ron's jell-o like ass starts to get hungry. "Yo, man! I think I got the munchies. Let's go get some grub."  
  
"Dude, I know where can get some food!" He pauses, looks around, and lowers his voice to a whisper. "There's a castle behind us!" Harry looks at his friend bewildered.  
  
"What the fuck, Ron? How much was in that shit?" He asks increduously.  
  
"Don't ask me, you got it! Hey, where'd you get that stuff anyway?"  
  
"At Homestead at the Hogshead. Some guy in a black cloak came up to me and told me I had to try it. He said it would be the high of a lifetime."  
  
"Sweet, yo! You gotta get some more of it!"  
  
"Relax, I got enough for ten one-gallon bags."  
  
An amazed look washes across Ron's face. "Woah." They both grin idiotically at each other. "Let's go get some food." He decides. Harry nods and grabs around for the invisibilty cloak on the ground.  
  
"How are we supposed to find it if it's fucking invisible?" He inquires.  
  
"You ass-hole!" Ron screams, "It's right there!"  
  
"Not so loud!" He scolds. "You're gonna wake up the whole castle!"  
  
"What are you my mother?"  
  
"Shut up, MOM!" Ron jests. Harry wraps the cloak around himself and his companion as they start back toward the castle as the glorious sun began to rise over the beautiful grounds at Hogwarts. The sunrise transforms everything into a gracious, elegant sea of a pale yellow and pink. They both knew they would be royally screwed the next day as they'd blown off their potions homework to blaze up. They had to find Hermoine during breakfast and copy the assignment from her, if they wanted to experience another high like they just did.   
  
As they get closer to the castle, Harry turns to Ron and asks, "Shh, do you hear that music?"  
  
It was Ron's turn to look bewildered now. "Huh?"  
  
"Can't you hear it?" Ron shakes his head.  
  
"Do you think it can be a singing basalisk, like from the second year?" He asks.  
  
"No, dude. It's happy." He starts to sing a farmilar tune. "Hello, world, there's a song that we're singing! Come on, get happy!" Harry continues to butcher the Partirdge family classic as they saunter up the path to the school.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
A/N: The lyrics from the end of this chapter are from the Partridge family song. We don't own that, either. If any hardcore Partridge family fans were offended...we still don't give a damn. 


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: We still don't own any of the Harry Potter people. But, we're working on it.

Dedications: To Oober Goober's sis, Kelly. She's been so supportive (tear) and has provided us with many helpful suggestions. And Melissa for helping out in this chapter. And to Jeremy Sumpter, just for being so damn sexy. And for giving us some ahem inspiration for the sex scenes.

Warning: This chapter contains nuts. If you are allergic, please back away slowly and proceed to the nearest exit.

And just to let everyone know, this masterpiece is being written by two people. Goober and Oober Goober. Don't be jealous, cause we're cool.

Chapter 2: Let's Get Cooking! (Aka: The finger quotes chapter.)

Harry and Ron's day started just as every other day at Hogwart's. They got dressed and went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. They sat down at their familiar Gryffindor table with all of their friends. As always, the table was accomadated with all of their favorite breakfast items. They tried to avert the concerned looks they were getting from their peers. They focused their blood-shot eyes upon the figure that had just entered the Hall.

"Uh-oh." Ron exclaimed as he saw Hermoine make a bee-line for the table. (Buzz!)

"We're in for it now." Harry whispered as she drew near. Hermoine took a seat across from the two boys. They looked down at their plates, trying to avoid eye contact with their best friend. They know she knows what they were up to last night. And she knows they know she knows. And they know this. There's a lot of knowing going on. They know Hermoine will tear them a new one if they spoke up, but they had to ask for the potions homework. After all, Hermoine was easier to handle than Snape.

"Um, Hermoine, you look smashing this morning." Ron complimented in an attempt to butter her up. Hermoine just glared back. After what seemed like an eternity of glaring, (while in actuality it was only about 10 seconds) her expression changed to a more friendly one. 'She's warming up,' he thought.

Harry took note of this subtle change and decided to take advantage of the situation. "So, did you do the potions homework last night?" He boldly ventured. Her expression immediately fell. She had hoped they were more responsible than this. She had never approved of their smoking marijuana, but as long as they kept up with their schoolwork, she kept her mouth shut. But she couldn't any longer.

"Yeah, I did it. Why? Were you guys too busy being stoned to worry about it?" She snapped. The two boys exchanged guilty looks and Hermoine let out a sigh of frustration.

"Hermoine, you know we wouldn't ask if it weren't a life or death situation!" Harry defended.

"No, I know you'd ask if your recreational druge usage just happened to monopolize all of your time!" She shook her head in dissappointment.

"Moine?" Ron asked gently.

"Hm?" She looked up from her plate to see Ron's face.

"We're really sorry. It'll never happen again, I swear." She studied his face and pondered his words. Both were etched with sincerity. But, she knew Ron could lie through his teeth better than anyone, so she looked at his eyes. She knew that his eyes would betray any lie he told. And when she did, she knew he was telling the truth. She pulled the homework out of her schoolbag, handed it to them, and returned to her breakfast. Ron smiled warmly at her. 'Damn him, why do I give in to him all the time?' Hermoine again looked up at Ron's smiling face and immediately melted. 'Oh yeah, that's why! He's sodding gorgeous.'

"Promise me that you'll try to cut back on that stupid stuff?" Hermoine prodded. Ron opened his mouth to speak but Harry cut him off.

"We can't do that. Besides, you wouldn't think it was so stupid if you loosened up and tried it." He replied indignantly.

Ron turned to him and said, "Speak for yourself, Harry." He then turned to Hermione, "If that's what it takes for you to not hate me, I'll do it. I mean, I'll try."

"I could never hate you." She whispered softly.

"What did you say?" Ron asked.

Hermoine felt herself turning a lovely shade of red. "Uhh... I said that I would never do drugs. Look, I've got to run. Just give it back before class, okay?" They nodded and she took off.

"She needs to unclench." Harry noted.

"Don't talk about her like that!" Ron demanded.

"Weasley, stop thinking with the wrong head." He saw Ron blush and chuckled.

"I'm not that obvious, am I?"

"Yeah, but when it comes to that kind of stuff, Mione's clueless, so I doubt she sees it."

"Oh, good."

"Look, you want to get together with her, right?" Ron nodded for Harry to continue. "Well, if she joined our little 'study session' tonight, you could make your move." Harry emphasized the words study session by making air quotes with his fingers, "If she goes for it, score one for you. If she doesn't, you could blame it on the drugs. Say you were too messed up to think straight."

"It could work," Ron mused, "But she would never do drugs, she said so herself." Harry looked defeated for a moment and then his face brightened.

"I've got it! She won't know she's taking anything. We could whip up some 'special brownies' for her as an apology for the homework thing. Girls love that suff." Again, with air quotes on the words 'special brownies'.

"You're brilliant, Harry! Okay, let's sneak into the kitchen after breakfast and we'll make them." Ron finished copying Hermoine's homework and waited for Harry to do the same.

CLANK! BANG! CRASH! KABOOM! RASBERRY!

"Ron, you dumbass! Be careful with that! Wait, did you just hear someone rasberry?"

Ron looks to the right, then to the left. "Um, no?" He then turns a lighter shade of his hair.

"Okay, then." Harry quickly changes the subject, "Let's get cooking!"

"Right then. Hand me those nuts." Ron instructs. Harry grabs at his crotch. "I meant the walnuts, you sodding vegetable!" Harry girns sheepishly.

"You know you want it, man!"

"I disagree!" Ron grabs the bowl of walnuts that Harry was holding in his hands and adds it to a mixing bowl.

"Would you young masters want anything else?" The two boys look down at the house elf bowing before them.

"Could we get some pumpkin pastries and chocolate frogs?" Ron inquires.

Harry looks at Ron in disbelief. "Do you ever stop, man? I swear you're preganant sometimes!" His eyes light up and a grin spreads across his face. He then drops to his knees and places his hands over Ron's abdomen. "Congratulations!" He says in a babyish voice. "Who's the lucky father? Oh, I think it kicked!" Ron swats Harry's hands away and pushes him to the floor.

"Sod off you pussy-licking, ass-kicking friend of mine!" Ron exclaims as he man-handles his friend into a noogie.

"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" Harry asked as he forced Ron off him.

"Yes, I do."

"Oh, okay. Just checking." Harry shrugged and went back to work.

"Alright, now we just have to add the 'special' ingredient." Again with the finger quotes.

20 minutes and 50 insults later Ron an the raven-haired boy have completed their baking endeavors.

"I think they came out rather well. Don't you Harry?" Ron questioned.

"Yeah, Hermione won't know what hit her." Harry then laughs evily.

"Come on, man. We don't want to hurt her. We just want to open her eyes to the experiences of the Ronmeister."

"That was the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Ron extends his middle finger towards Harry. "Save it for a lonely night, buddy."

"Okay, let's get going, or we'll be late for Potions." Harry nodded and they left the kitchen and the mess they made for the house elves to clean up. The boys grabbed the scrumptious chocolate treats (aka the "special" brownies) and their books and headed off to class. Their robes made a distinct swooshing noise as they scampered to Potions class. 


End file.
